Human Development 101

I guess I shouldda known that a hot-tempered, short, fat, Sri Lankan science teacher, who was renowned for violent outbursts at even the slightest snigger from a twelve year old wasn’t going to be the best Human Development teacher of all time. If not his nervous, embarrassed persona, then his near-fatal treatment of poor Mark Kennard who thought the 80s animation of a woman’s breasts growing through puberty was pretty funny, should have confirmed it.

Because of Mr Peters’ utterly inadequate delivery of the subject, I was completely taken by surprise when the wet dreams, curly hair and body odour arrived thirteen years later (OK, I’m a late bloomer), although I am still waiting for my Old Feller to grow, so he obviously got that message across alright - it was a triumphant night in the Donkey household that night, I can tell you! I can remember delivering victorious air punches all the way home from school … but I now realise it was just another betrayal of a pre-adolescent’s trust.

As was the complete lack of information of what was really going to happen to my body. Sure, they tell you you’re voice is going to break, your balls are gonna drop and grow to the size of footballs, that yer knob would become a raging python and that you’d get hair on yer chinny-chin-chin, but all those were supposed to make you sexy … were things to look forward to. But what about the rest of it?

No doubt some hot-shot lawyer for the Christian Brothers whose court-room skills had been honed for his clients thanks to an excess of other legal proceedings in the last decade, would say, “Well, my clients never actually told you any lies about what would happen to you”. Agreed. But what about all the info that they DIDN’T tell us?

I mean, not a week goes by now that I don’t recognise something new and unexpected about my body. “You’ll grow hair on your chest and face”, they told us – great, but what about my back, shoulders and nose? Before long I’ll have to sink to that depth where I am forced to whisper in the ear of an attractive young hair dresser, “Just give me ears and snoz a trim, too, would ya Love?”.

“Your voice and testicles will drop down”. Sure, that’s good to know, but why no mention of descending man boobs and huge, flaccid jowls?

“You’ll grow thick hairs around yer … um … thingies”. OK, that would have been a good lesson during which to have paid attention, but I’m sure I would have perked-up if someone had mentioned an Afghan carpet emerging from my arse! And why exactly does it have to have migrated from my scalp?

The lawyers may well be right; the Christian Brothers didn’t actually tell us any lies, but they certainly neglected to tell us that in a few years, we’d all be turning into our fathers! Bastids! No doubt the concealment of these many facts was some innovative form of youth suicide prevention, but just because people don’t throw themselves off a bridge on Brother So-and-so’s watch, doesn’t mean they aren’t going to try it later, when, at the age of 27, the realisation finally dawns.

Fortunately, the breakthroughs in male grooming technology and practices driven by the metro-sexual revolution can be employed to keep the wolves from the door for most manifestations of male aging; home nasal-hair kits can be used for most orifices, the front, back and crack wax, available from all good beauty salons, can have you looking like Thorpie in a matter of minutes, man-bras can be worn discreetly to the gym, and there are pills to correct those other unfortunate effects of gravity.

But this week I received yet another unexpected, crushing blow to my dwindling, youthful vigour, taking me just that one step closer to looking like my father, and this time, there’s not a gadget in Christendom which is gonna help me to stay looking young. This week my recent suspicions were confirmed when I discovered yet another change in my aging body. The change this time wasn’t my vocal chords, my balls, my willy, chest, back or arse. This time the change was in my ears.

What those bastards at the Christian Brothers school don’t tell you is that, as you get older, a blokes ears change so that every time he goes into the water; at the beach or at the pool, water gets in and doesn’t come out. So next time you’re down at the local pool, and you’ve had your swim, taken a shower, and are heading out to the car, don’t avert your eyes from all those sad old farts huddled together near the door, their torsos bent sideways so that their heads are parallel to the ground as they bounce up and down on one leg. You never know, one of ‘em could be yer old mate, Donkey!


Oh, and by the way, regarding the crappy 1980s breast-growing animation, it’s one of growing-up’s great releases to reach that age when you actually feel comfortable with saying that, “Yeah, Mark Kennard was right – it was farking hilarious!”. God rest your poor, maimed soul, Mark!


Ear hair - one of the unsung effects of male aging - very unattractive indeed. Pic: http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/05/health_guinness_medical_record_breakers/img/1.jpg